Dysfunction

Dysfunction

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Welcome to my dysfunction

Just a thought . . .

Dysfunction
as a way of life
in your own
personal world
that can warp the mind
but teach you creative ways
of appearing . . . normal.

But what does that word mean - normal?
I have always had trouble digesting that word.
Normal - depending where you grew up
and who your parents decided to be
what was your normal?

Having your parents fighting all the time over almost everything.
Not enough of anything
and oh where does love play into this
when you are the one
getting your ass beat all the time as a child
cause it seemed nothing you did was good enough.

Normal - lets go Disney here.
The perfect little family,
mom who gets to stay home and devote her time to being a homemaker,
dad who works a decent job, puts money away and has a college fund for his children,
children who excel in school and don’t cause any trouble.
Right.

Normal?

A single mom who has 4 kids,
2 ex husbands
and had to get on welfare
cause her husbands decided they weren’t gonna pay child support
but run off with that other woman and her 2 kids.

Normal?

Normal?

Finally finding the woman of your dreams
only to find out
that your pristine princess
is really the Ice Queen
and any thought of sex
and you sleep on the couch.
But for all intents and purposes
- from the outside
you look like the perfect couple.
Normal?

So we all run around
playing
lets pretend this doesn’t hurt
while in our hearts
we cry out to God
please be real and . . .

We have to choose . . .
Who do I want to be when I grow up?

In my dysfunction
I function
and that very well.
So much so
that many can’t tell.
The pain that I hide,
the mask that I wear,
shields me and my secrets,
see you never knew nor could you tell . . .

Just another lie
that I whisper to myself.
As I tuck my dreams
high on the shelf.

I send my prayer
up to God
hoping
he’s not playing deaf,
hoping,
praying
that he can save me
cause in me
there is nothing left.

Your fears are so loud you can’t hear me talking

You only know what is trapped in your head

Kill yourself - the voices say

Just think of it as the sleep not being dead

Just lay you down to never get up

Just close your eyes and try not to see

The horrors that are your life

And will forever be

Blame God for the way it is

Hate him for the life you chose

Opps that was to much truth

And heaven forbid if you would come to know

That you made choices in your sin

You loss more than you could ever win

But you did reap what you sowed

As the harvest grew ripe

You laid in bed late at night

And you wondered

how did this happen to grow

Long ago you planted seeds

Here is your harvest of weeds

Though you lie, deny and cry

They still grew

They did sprout

This is a spiritual law

I am talking about

Reap and sow, plant and harvest

Seasons that change throughout the year

Tell me precious what is it that you hold dear

What doth grow in your garden That you hoped

No one would ever know

Ahh . . . . deeds done in the dark

Do come to light

Though it take years

a long time . . . passing

God sees, God knows, God forgives because . . . His love is everlasting

A family that preys

Is a family that stays

In so many ways

Deep in shadow

Wallowing in pain

That would drive most insane

Living in dysfunction

Always at a junction

In life’s journey

Never giving in to the unction

To do or function

Without compunction

Because their moral compass malfunctioned

A long time ago

Do you know what its like to live with someone you don’t touch, don’t desire to be touched by - hell you don’t even want to be in the same room with . . .

Por que . . .

Because they have you bound by an oath, a pledge, a vow . . . To do what is right doesn’t have anything to do with how you feel about it - it has to do with the strength of your word, your integrity, what you prize as worth.

So much is told in a touch, a soft spoken word, a glance . . . The heart of a man is told in his actions and some men lie . . . Well. Others are so inept that they can’t see - that their past is written in their eyes for all to see . . . The lies, depression, the hurt, the despair - the fact that they wish they were dead because they don’t care. Their heart has stopped beating for love’s gentle touch, broken- hearted, bittersweet, left in ashes, tucked on a shelf. Not even a container to hold the memories dear, so afraid to love again - so much fear.

How can anyone love you when you won’t love yourself, forgive yourself, believe in yourself, face the truth about yourself. Stop playing victim - nursing and rehearsing the crimes. Come out of the past don’t you think its about time. Let the past be forgotten, the future is unsure so live in the now - we call it the present - we who live in the truth, because it’s a gift from God, each and every moment writes our true destiny. Every choice draws us nearer to who we shall be. For right or for wrong, for good or for bad - who is it that judges the life that we had.

Let me whisper to you this small simple truth - there is no good or bad because deep in side of you - the living God of all lives true and he is trying to have a relationship with you. But you lie and deny and become angry and mean because the God that I speak of is invisible yet seen - look around you bitter man - open your eyes and behold - the works of his hand, so rich, so bold - everywhere all around you, pure truth you still deny, I weep for you old man I can’t help it - I cry.

Why should I care after all the things that you have spoken to me - because I was bound by an oath by a God you refuse to see.

Just another found by mistake moments where strategy, wisdom and knowledge had nothing to do with me finding out some ancient secret - yeah I just stumbled over it and ta da there it was - don’t ask me to do it again or better yet give you instructions on how to find this magical power because I . . . found it by mistake.

Ironically I used to beat me up for having so many mistakes in life - but it would seem you can learn more from your mistakes than you can from your success. How many times can I tell you how to do it wrong so that in wisdom I can tell you baby that ain’t gonna work when you do it that way and then you just look at me like I’m old and have lost my mind - honey I was young too . . . Hardheaded, determined and alone - so I had to figure out stuff that no one bothered to help me with . . . I had to survive. It wasn’t even about considering I was a victim of abuse, neglect, stupidity - I had to own up to my choices, my mistakes, my responsibilities. Yeah in writing this I found out by mistake - I’m not so stupid after all.

Happy New Year’s John

Now I lay me

Down to sleep

With you at my side

I cry . . . I weep . . .

I wish in the dark

That you were someone else

Because your

Whispered I loves yous

Pulled down from the shelf

Stored In dusty containers

Full of days gone by

Loves that you lost

Still you wonder why

So alone in the dark

You hold on to me

You sigh . . .

Hoping I won’t notice

Praying I won’t see

The pretty lies

That you whisper to me

While we lay in the dark

Whiskey breath laced love

Not for us . . . not for we . . .

Alone in the dark

Curled up in the bed

Arms wrapped around me

When its those lost loves

You want instead

Wishing that I would somehow

Never know . . .

That you never loved me

And hated me for telling you so