That little comment came with my shrimp fried rice in a wonderful shrink wrapped fortune cookie and
sent me off on a spiritual journey that I was totally unaware I was having or better yet really needed.
Have you ever asked God for an answer and when you heard the answer you tried real hard to tell yourself
- that couldn’t have been God. . . God is funny - oh the bible says ask to receive, knock so it can be opened and seek
and you shall find. Not once did he say you would like the answer you find there because how many of us really want to know
the truth - especially when it comes to us?
Well . . . I wanted to know cause it was bugging me. I’m 50, I moved to Florida because I fell
in love with a younger man real hard and it didn’t turn into that happily ever after Disney cue the music kind of a
thing so . . . I married a man - and I quote - Cause I didn’t have anything better to do.
To be honest I gave my heart, mind, body and soul to the young man I moved down here for. That’s
the funny thing about love - you can’t make yourself love someone - you either do or you don’t. I don’t
love my husband in the feeling sense of the word. He knows but he is content to hear the words. He doesn’t like to listen
to my definition.
I love you and married you out of duty not feelings therefore I commit to you as your mate. I don’t
feel . . .
He accepted the terms and told me he would make me fall in love with him by the wonderful way that
he would treat me.
Ever been severely lied to? How to I share my epiphany with you so that you understand and don’t
judge me or my husband harshly.
Once upon a time I was young, lively, beautiful and once upon a time very naiveté. There is something
about my eyes . . . They talk, they reveal my heart, they are the windows of my soul.
I was drifting down what used to be and found a pattern that hadn’t occurred to me. There have
been men that have loved me and protected me yet never touched me. I believe . . . They loved me in the way I always desired
but I was not attracted to them and we were just friends. Yet the love they had for me was pure and its only now that I can
see it. Unfortunately all of them are dead - they died young so I can’t go back and say I’m sorry.
Should I even be sorry I didn’t love them? Why? These are my feelings. I like what I like and
there is a certain kind of man that I like, that attracts me, delights me, inspires me, moves me, draws me and eventually
they leave me. Sucks to be me right?
These men that loved me - chased me, held me, but in me there was no feelings for them not in the way
they wanted. But my not having feelings for them didn’t stop them from having feelings for me. Strange how that goes
isn’t it. The thin line comes when you know someone loves you madly and truly and some people with evil in their hearts
use these people. I am not of that mind set, its cruel and I have been hurt like that so . . .
My husband is a wounded, bitter, vicious drunk - all of which he hid from me until after the I do’s.
I wondered then why I didn’t run. Surely I had made a huge mistake. Sober my husband told me God told him to help me
and for the life of me I wondered what was going on in God’s head cause this man was a total mess. On top of that he
was not my cup of tea. I do like my eye candy so there was nothing . . . Oh there is this one small thing about me . . . Eyes
- I have a weakness for men whose eyes change color. My first husband’s green eyes changed colors. My young lover’s
eyes changed colors. My husband’s eyes change colors. My kryptonite.
When we got married my husband insisted I get on his health plan and I fought him cause he kept saying
I was using him so I was gonna prove I wasn’t by refusing any help from him at all. I had a job. I had things together
on my own. What did I need him for right? A month after we got married my gallbladder went out causing my liver to shut down
and I was about to die. I had CHF and the cardiologist said if you don’t have the gallbladder removed it doesn’t
matter what your heart does you will die. Well a couple of months later I died. March 25th so my husband told me.
My heart gave out.
I have spent the last 6 months recovering. Some days my only goal was to get well enough to leave my
husband because of the mean things he says to me. Right before I was going in for the gallbladder operation he told me if
you live you won’t have anywhere to live cause I am going home to throw you out and he took the house key from me. This
just before they were going to put me out. I told God ok Lord if this is what life is gonna be like being his wife just kill
me and don’t even bother with any thing fancy - here I come. I was told after surgery I woke up just long enough to
pop up, feel myself and go “I’m alive!” then I passed back out. The nurse found me amusing.
When my heart gave out my husband came to see me almost every day - and every day he had something
mean to say to me that kept me afraid and determined to leave him as soon as I got better. I had a trak in my throat and I
couldn’t speak for 3 months. God had to teach me to shut up.
Dare I say I do have a mouth on me and there was a time I could mortally wound with my words and it
was all because I had been hurt by life, people, husbands, lovers, parents, and people who said they were my friends. A wounded
warrior and so I would tell myself -If it doesn’t kill me it will make me stronger.
